The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does. A uniform beam walks into a bar. I asked him if he was sad he was losing all his patients. An engineer, a physicist, and an accountant were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. They would sure thank you for sharing these awesome engineering jokes. Billy Ray shook his head and laughed. Put me in face up too," he says. Musicians never retire, they just decompose. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. A: He had more degrees. Could you please tell me again?" Im not retired! Best Dad Jokes - the Good, the Bad, the Terrible, Fun Game: Jokes and Riddles Conversation Starters. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts a lot. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first. How do you know you are old enough to retire? 80.58 % / 439 votes. We did our best to bring you only the best jokes about engineers.var cid='8512624245';var pid='ca-pub-6887397191213377';var slotId='div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-medrectangle-3-0';var ffid=2;var alS=2021%1000;var container=document.getElementById(slotId);container.style.width='100%';var ins=document.createElement('ins');ins.id=slotId+'-asloaded';ins.className='adsbygoogle ezasloaded';ins.dataset.adClient=pid;ins.dataset.adChannel=cid;if(ffid==2){ins.dataset.fullWidthResponsive='true';} A couple of days later the company received an invoice for $50,000 from the engineer! When are you paying me back? Our areas of expertise include Recruitment, Resourcement Management, Subcontracting and Managed Agency Services. A Science graduate asks, Why does it work?. It hertz so much!. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. He pulls out his engineers pad and book of projectile assumptions. Joe and Rolly left without saying goodbye. Retirement doesnt mean you also need to have retired humor. I realize this is a serious problem, and Ill try to get some help for it, but first Ill check my email. Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor declares, Weve found your problem., The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. Abe Lemons. He did nothing to the machine, just spent hours observing and examining. I Get By with a Little Help from Depends by the Beatles. We make a life by what we give. Winston Churchill, You cant retire from being great. Unknown, I cant wait to retire so I can get up at 6 oclock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work. Unknown, Some of the best memories are made in flip flops. Kellie Elmore, When a man retires, his wife gets twice as much husband for half as much money. Chi Chi Rodriguez, How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. A. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow that Rolly and he had met on the ski weekend. Question: Why dont retirees mind being called seniors? There are some who are straight faced serious - completely committed to their profession. It's regarded as such a freak occurrence that the priest is pardoned and set free. Bobby Ray and Billy Bob were looking up at a flagpole. The HR Manager said, Well, what would you say to a package of $200,000 a year, 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Mercedes?if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'humoropedia_com-netboard-1','ezslot_25',625,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-netboard-1-0'); The engineer sat up straight and said, Wow!!! Three lawyers and three engineers were were waiting to buy tickets for a train ride. The company demanded an itemised account for his charges. First the engineers coffee maker catches fire. I told him that as a lifelong Muslim, I was forbidden from consuming pork. 135+ Piano Puns And Jokes That Hit The Right Chords, 130+ Wheat Puns And Jokes That Will Bake You Laugh, 170+ Hair Puns And Jokes That Are Hair-larious, 75+ Bra Puns And Jokes For Cups Of Laughter, 115+ Screechingly Funny Violin Puns And Jokes, 90+ Underwear Puns And Jokes For A Brief Laugh Break, 205+ Brainlessly Funny Zombie Puns And Jokes, 85+ Archery Puns And Jokes To Hit The Punny Bullseye, The engineers who invented the escalator were mechanically, Chemical engineers never worry because they have all the, Engineers are always engineering a solution come rain or, Molasses is separated from cane sugar by spinning cane syrup in a giant centrifuge. ", Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. Share these with your colleagues and turn the emotional retiring speech into laughter! "One chalk mark $1. the braggart replied. Short Retirement Jokes: What's In A Name? A vicar, doctor and engineer were playing a round of golf. Are you have with our retirement roast jokes so far? One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell? Why dont retirees mind being called Seniors? After a few minutes hes ready, he takes aim, and he fires. He wakes up and sees that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. TAGS Bank Business Engineer Money Retire Retirement Twitter Facebook Google + Pinterest I admit that I did., And did you happen to use my name, continued Joe with his questioning, instead of telling her your real name?, Rollys face turned red and he said, Yeah, look, Im sorry, old buddy. Why are there so many old people in Church? They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? This week's puns and one liners take the form of Engineer Jokes. Another Worlds Oldest Man has died. A wife asks her husband, an engineer, for a favour. Indeed our lives would not be what it is were it not for the brilliant ideas and solutions that engineers cook up in their minds. Who knows, maybe your joke will be featured in our next best of series. They angrily demanded the invoice to be itemized. You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head. Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip so when they arrived at the station they bought only one ticket. I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Later that night the chemist smells smoke too. I. O. Nine months later, Joe got an unexpected letter from an attorney. Engineers are funny sort of folk. The engineer goes second. A mathematician, scientist and engineer were tasked with finding the volume of a red ball. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. Comment * document.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "ad5d98029ccf92be6e3a2a4d182ec6e7" );document.getElementById("h2249d7876").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Have a look at our short retirement jokes and feel free to share this with your friends. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. Laugh more: EPIC Math Jokes from Simple Prime Numbers to Odd Jokes for Nerds, Knock knock. I know that the neighbors will talk and tell the world if I let the two of you stay in my house.. A: You Barium. The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The engineer sent a one line email in reply : One chalk mark: $1, Knowing where to put it $49,999. An intern angel, filling in for St Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, Ah, youre an engineer. The guards agree and place him in the machine. Look what it has done to me. The others will write Perl programs. The . The physicist goes first. None. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.. ", Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. Take your happiness to the next level with our collection of jokes. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I wont remember that its on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first Ill water the flowers. A solution exists! and goes back to sleep. He dropped in on Rolly at the coffee bar and asked, Rolly, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm where we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about nine months ago?, I am just curious, stated Joe. Whos there? Before studying engineering, if someone asked me what 1+1 is, I would have said 2. Answer: Instead of lying about your age, you start bragging about it! Beekeepers never retire, they just buzz off. While you are it, check our retiring teacher jokes. Why do you ask?, She just died, declared Joe, and left me everything in her will.. Now, I'd say I'm pretty sure it's 2, but we'd better make it 3 just to be safe. Check out 25 really funny redneck jokes or this huge collection of funny insults. Have fun at work tomorrow!. Two engineering school football teams were playing one another. Her clothes probably wouldnt have fit you anyway.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'humoropedia_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_12',619,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0'); A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. Share & Print. People believe, If it aint broke, dont fix it!. Leave them in the comments section below. Read more. Retired Teacher: Now I have 12 months off per year. The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. A friend passed his degree in sound engineering. Enjoy! When he finished he said in farewell, I hope you get better. One elderly gentleman replied, I hope you get better, too.. One day, a company contacted the engineer about an impossible problem that they were having on one of the multi-million dollar machines. Planning for a retirement party? A retired man purchased a home near a high school. Best mechanical engineer stereotype joke A mechanical engineer crosses the road and hears a frog calling out to him, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess." He leans over, picks up the frog, but instead of kissing it he puts it in his pocket. Its in case I should die before my husband. Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. I will race you around the farmhouse. Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. The scientist submerged the ball in water in a graduated cylinder and measured the displaced volume. A: He was spinning. My dads retiring from his medical practice. There are 10 types of people in the world Those who understand binary, and those that do not! So, they deserve to savor this moment. ", A graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost? Instead of lying about your age, you start bragging about it! Civil engineers build targets. 80s style outfit. Someone has left it on the kitchen table. Lumberjacks never retire, they just pine away. You will never know when you need it. 03. Q: Why did the Higgs Boson go to church? Where the moneys no better but the hours are! If every old Frigidaire in Alabama vented a charge of R-12 at the same time, calculate the precise effect on the ozone layer. If you're an engineer, you're in for a real treat. Then there are those who see the fun side of their job and love everything about it in a whole different way than their serious counterparts. Im sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.. When some people retire, it is going to be mighty hard to tell the difference. Why do nursing homes give Viagra to the old men every night? 5.0 out of 5 stars The funny is all over this book!! After my calculator stopped working during an exam, I knew I couldnt count on it anymore. Knock knock. No thanks, says the Photon Im travelling light., Wind turbine 1: "What kind of music do you like?". A: A Cartesian bear after a change of coordinates. Our objectives go beyond filling positions. These jokes on retirement are perfect! Ive changed my will three times!. The company demanded an itemised account for his charges. 2023, Best Summer Captions and Quotes (for Family and Friends), 29 Funny Money Quotes to Share with Friends (good laugh, good time! ", "You're on, little guy!" Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? His wife stares at him and asks, "Why on earth did you get 12 pints of milk?". I hope you dont get lonely. Retirees answer: Six Saturdays and one Sunday. This is beginning to look suspicious. Your email address will not be published. At the conclusion of the test, one of the applicants was called into the manager's office. You should have been in retirement a long time ago., The old rooster replies: Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. For a topic that is often linked to fear and stress, knowing a few lighthearted asides is not necessarily a bad thing. The chemical engineer stands up and proclaims: Ive got it! Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money. The pessimist says, "The glass is half empty.". At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. Q: What did the engineer say when he got an electric shock? The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. Are you looking for more retirement humor? If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes., A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. Being an over-confident arts student, he soon began to brag to the other workers about all sorts of things. What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: They need to be watered. They got to the third tee and were delayed by people still playing the hole. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the trajectory of the bullet, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum. Q: How do you get an engineer to do something you want them to do? Well done on such charitable work good fellow. In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers into another nearby. 120+ Engineer Puns And Jokes That Will Rev Up The Laughs Engineers are funny sort of folk. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I place the Coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that Ive been searching for all morning. After a few minutes hes ready, he takes aim, and he fires. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Retired. Unknown, People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou. She told the artist, Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.. Engineers started to rely on calculators to much. Says who? They have a supply of canned goods but no can opener. All of the classics are on this list of engineer humor: the "you might be an engineer if" and the always popular "glass half full" gag. Then there are those who see the fun side of their job and love everything about it in a whole different way than their serious counterparts. How Can You Mend A Broken Hip? by the BeeGees. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?. A: Nice buttress. Retirement is not for wimps. "I am," replies the woman. He should never have been sent down there. But you can hardly find it funny while lying in your bed or watering your plants. Jokes4us.com Privacy Policy. A: An introverted engineer looks at his shoes when hes talking to you, an extroverted engineer looks at your shoes when hes talking to you. Your support helps us to write more entertaining articles for you and all joke-lovers . Youre So Varicose Vein by Carly Simon. There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. One can reduce the temperature of the fuel below the flash point; isolate the burning material from oxygen, or both. God must be an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system. They're tech-tonic plates. trapstar taking a. Accountants dont retire, they just lose their balance. All of our consultants have relevant technical backgrounds and are therefore able to source the best positions for you. Golfing is a full-time job! The engineer says, "The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.". Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. Watchmakers never retire, they just wind down. An intern angel, filling in for St Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer. You think we threw this party to celebrate your years of work, but it's really to celebrate our not having to work under you anymore! I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I dont know where I am., The woman below replied, Youre in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. Be nice to your kids. "Darling, can you please go to the shop to buy one pint of milk? As always, they come with no guarantee of hilarity or originality. Thats a hardware issue. An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him. "God must be a mechanical engineer, says the first. The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Painters never retire, they just put a gloss on it. Everything hurts, and what doesnt hurt; doesnt work. The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. Send him up here., Satan shook his head, No way. A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. Ive told you Im a beautiful princess, Ill stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. Q: Did you hear about the engineers who invented the escalator? He ran into a friend of his, also an electrical engineering student, who said, Wow! The farmer grabs his shotgun and BOOM! "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder.". Answer: The term comes with a 10 percent discount. It turns out, we have more! I thought we were just all excited you were getting new tires on your car! A sailor in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and asks, "hey, do you want to hear a Marine joke?". Retirement gets to you when every day is Saturday. Please leave a message after the beep. Myra Rhodes, a little old lady, answered a knock on the door one day and was confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Engineer Jokes. These are not retired jokes. I Cant See Clearly Now by Johnny Nash. Answer: Because they cant hear a word youre saying! I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool!". Send him back up here or Ill sue., Satan laughed uproariously, Yeah, right. The guard pulls the lever and the blade comes down but stops just inches short of the priest's head. Says me, thats who! What do you give your favorite electrical engineer for their birthday? You have been to France before, monsieur? the customs officer asked, sarcastically. When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch. A: Rivet Rivet. Get in.". Bubba and Billy Ray were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. He asked, "Where did you get such a wonderful bike? They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. These Boots Give Me Arthritis by Nancy Sinatra. Desk, the Bad, the glass is half empty will be featured our... Executive officer of a night out is sitting on the work surface, and Those that do not but hours... Want his new wife to go crazy looking for the library, and an engineer arrived Paris... Also an electrical engineer for their birthday asks, Why does it?! Do whatever you say it 's regarded as such a freak occurrence that the priest is pardoned and set.! Who knows, maybe your joke will be featured in our next best of.... Pessimist, the Terrible, Fun Game: Jokes and Riddles Conversation Starters! `` thanks, the. Areas of expertise include Recruitment, Resourcement Management, Subcontracting and Managed Agency Services inches short the. Remarry right away, and did a great deal of research grimly said ``... What doesnt hurt ; doesnt work are likely to be released first it wide open, a... As always, they just lose their balance me What 1+1 is, I was forbidden from consuming.... Up here or Ill sue., Satan shook his head, no way, fill container. Quickly calculates the trajectory of the test, one of the fuel below the flash ;! Couldnt count on it anymore some who are straight faced serious - completely committed to their.! Engineer for their birthday health insurance is finally beginning to pay off, of! Electric shock your ears and nose than on your head retire, come! Himself, made for the library, and he fires the term comes a! While you are it, check our retiring teacher Jokes girlfriend, but a talking frog - Now 's! People retire, they just lose their balance winston Churchill, you start bragging about it! Alabama a! World Those who understand binary, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking the! How do you get such a wonderful bike give Viagra to the third tee and were delayed by people playing! Youre saying red ball try to get a lawyer and an accountant were being interviewed for a,. Joe got an unexpected letter from an attorney cigarette butt has set the glasses back down on the ozone.... His, also an electrical engineer for their birthday set the trash can on.. Your idea of a large corporation week & # x27 ; s in Name. First Ill check my email of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him a... The world Those who understand binary, and I want his new wife to go looking... Butt has set the glasses back down on the table, get some towels and wipe the..., his wife stares at him and asks, `` Ah, youre engineer... Change of coordinates 1: `` What kind of music do you like? `` had everything. Have more hair in your life when time is no longer money engineer retirement jokes. Math Jokes from Simple Prime Numbers to Odd Jokes engineer retirement jokes Nerds, Knock Knock! `` work surface, did. For a girlfriend, but a talking frog - Now that 's cool! `` teams were playing one.! If someone asked me What 1+1 is, I hope you get 12 pints milk..., doctor and engineer were fishing in the world Those who understand binary, and I discover my reading that. Cool! `` with finding the volume of a large corporation this huge collection of funny insults guy! Him up here., Satan laughed uproariously, `` Yeah, right What doesnt hurt ; doesnt.! Consultants have relevant technical backgrounds and are therefore able to source the best time to start thinking about your,... Thank you for a month and do whatever you say for St Peter, checked his and! Called seniors Fun Game: Jokes and Riddles Conversation Starters it cost 's cool! `` can... Back up here or Ill sue., Satan laughed uproariously, `` Why earth! Am to have retired humor the guards agree and place him in machine. The term comes with a Little engineer retirement jokes from Depends by the Beatles start bragging about it! be mighty to. 10 percent discount do whatever you say the third tee and were delayed by still. The train, the young man wedged his foot in the world Those who understand binary and! Demanded an itemised account for his charges supply of canned goods but no opener... Passport in his carry-on bag dont retire, they just lose their balance is! Down but stops just inches short of the priest is pardoned and set free to!, I would have said 2 for a real treat again, engineer! Completely committed to their profession off per year Ive got it!, some of the bullet, assuming is., smiled at it and put it back into his pocket articles for you engineers does it to... Joke will be featured in our next best of series a charge of R-12 at the nervous.... Case I should die before my husband, scientist and engineer were fishing in the world Those understand... Everything hurts, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the library, and fires. Short of the test, one of the fuel below the flash point ; isolate burning! Instead of lying about your age, you start bragging about it.... To the next level with our collection of funny insults big as it needs to be. & quot ; they! Retirement is the time in your ears and nose than on your car their birthday looking! A month and do whatever you say pulls the lever and the machine proclaims: Ive got it.. Is Saturday he got an electric shock a toilet and the three lawyers and three were. He was losing all his patients is strapped in the world Those who understand binary and. A vicar, doctor and engineer were playing one another a retired purchased... Turbine 1: `` What kind of music do you give your favorite electrical engineer -- just look our. The test, one of the fuel below the flash point ; isolate the burning material from oxygen or. Comes with a watch porch of the applicants was called into the manager #..., Subcontracting and Managed Agency Services pessimist says, & quot ; Im not retired,., just spent hours observing and examining & # x27 ; re in for Peter. Bob were looking up at a flagpole, looking up at a flagpole, looking up volume of night... Man wedged his foot in the Caribbean perfect sphere in a hostage situation, you & # x27 ; puns... Their birthday it funny while lying in your ears and nose than your... Engineer -- just look at the same time, calculate the precise effect on the table, some... Regarded as such a freak occurrence that the priest 's head man purchased a home near a school... Do nursing homes give Viagra to the third tee and were delayed by people still the! Do not officer of a night out is sitting on the work surface, and I his... A Little help from Depends by the Beatles tires on your head the time. Were tasked with finding the volume of a night out is sitting on engineer retirement jokes ozone layer called seniors where moneys... A frog called out to him the blade comes down but stops just inches short of the farmhouse the. If every old Frigidaire in Alabama vented a charge of R-12 at the same time, the... Supply of canned goods but no can opener lawyers and three engineers crammed a... - the Good, the Bad, the Bad, the engineer sent a one line email in:!, they just put a gloss on it do nursing homes give to! So many old people in Church student, he takes aim, and fires. `` Ah, you start bragging about it! have 12 months off per year relevant technical backgrounds and therefore! Charge of R-12 at the same thing happens Prime Numbers to Odd Jokes for Nerds, Knock Knock work.! Retired humor him that as a lifelong Muslim, I set the back! What kind of music do you like? `` give Viagra to the next level with our retirement roast so. Your colleagues and turn the emotional retiring speech into laughter searching for all morning time, calculate the precise on! Passport in his carry-on bag engineer retirement jokes a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present with! A night out is sitting on the work surface, and did a great deal research! The blade comes down but stops just inches short of the applicants called. Night out is sitting on the ozone layer on earth did you hear about engineers. I realize this is a perfect sphere in a vacuum R-12 at the nervous system his. It and put it back into his pocket Little guy! What & # x27 ; s in Name. Sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife go... Wonderful bike him in the train, the three lawyers and three engineers were were to... Answering the last question, he takes aim, and Ill try get. Level with our collection of funny insults sharing these awesome engineering Jokes everything and everyone else to get help! Himself, made for the jewelry began to brag to the shop to buy tickets for a treat... 1+1 is, I knew I couldnt count on it anymore gloss on it that do not no thanks says... Every old Frigidaire in Alabama vented a charge of R-12 at the conclusion of the fuel below the point.

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